


Seuppernatural (or How the Winch Stole Christmas)

by gardnerhill



Category: Dr. Seuss, Supernatural
Genre: Christmas, Crossover, Episode: s03e08 A Very Supernatural Christmas, Gen, Parody, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-25
Updated: 2012-12-25
Packaged: 2017-11-22 08:50:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/608002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gardnerhill/pseuds/gardnerhill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Combines two Christmas classics.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Seuppernatural (or How the Winch Stole Christmas)

Everybody in Kansas liked Christmas a lot,  
But the Winch (which was short for "Winchester") did not!  
John Winch hated Christmas, and so did his kids  
(Kid One and Kid Two) as much as he dids.  
It could be the demon that murdered his wife  
And burned up his house and screwed up his life  
Had cast on his spirit so heavy a pall  
That John Winch's heart was two children too small.  
So it was, every Christmas, they hit a motel  
And the Winch left his kids to go fight things from Hell.  
Kid One would get mad, Kid Two would be sad.  
Both Kids hated Christmas, 'cause that meant No Dad.  
"I hate stupid monsters!" Winch Kid Two would shout.  
"If they were not busy, Dad wouldn't be out!  
We'd have a big tree and a real Christmas feast,  
Not Dad coming back smeared with blood from some beast.  
I've heard in some houses that other folks' boys  
Get _squirt_ guns and _fake_ knives and clothing and toys!"  
"Shut your cakehole, Kid Two!" That was Kid One, you see.  
"So we don't have a turkey, we don't have a tree!  
We don't have bright lights or a mistletoe wreath,  
Or a warm glowing mantle with stockings beneath,  
Or toys and computer games costing big bucks,  
Or a family or ... Jesus, our life really sucks."  
"Maybe Santa will help us!" said Kid Number Two.  
"He's got the connections, he'll know what to do!"  
"Got news for you, Two – Santa Claus is a myth,  
A fairy tale normal folks scare their kids with.  
'Behave or no presents!' 'Shut up, or it's coal!'  
Big deal – if we screw up, these things take our soul."  
"So Santa's not real?" said Kid Two to One.  
"The Boogeyman is." Kid One gave Two a gun.  
"The bad things are real, the good ones are not.  
That's our lot in life – not a life, not a lot."  
Kid Two went to bed, and he made not a peep  
As he turned to the wall and cried off to sleep.  
Kid One said no word, for those words wouldn't work.  
He'd made Kid Two sad, and he felt like a jerk.  
Their Dad wouldn't come back till hours from now.  
He had to show Christmas was coming! But how?  
...Then he got an idea. An _awful_ idea!  
Kid Winch got a wonderful, _awful_ idea!  
He knew just what to do! One ran out in the snow,  
And he looked at the houses lit up. Ho, ho, ho...  
He thought of the trees and the presents inside,  
And the food and the drink, and the porn mags beside.  
And they'd let him go into their houses, _because_...  
He'd be in disguise. He'd look like Santa Claus!

***

"I need a red suit." One went back to Dad's bed,  
And found an old shirt, still blood-soaked and red.  
He got a red ball cap (his Dad's, fit him still)  
That said SINGER SALVAGE right over the bill.  
"Now I need a sleigh." Kid One went outside,  
And hotwired a pickup to go for a ride.  
He stretched for the pedals, a hard thing to do,  
"But at least," Kid One said, "I'm not short like Kid Two!"  
So he skidded and swerved down the street in that truck,  
And the wipers were blurry, and once he got stuck  
In a pile left by snowplows. A rather tight pinch,  
But if Dad Winch could do it, then so could Kid Winch.  
He drove blocks and backtracked, down alleys he turned,  
So he couldn't be followed. (Those Winchesters learned.)  
When he stopped and got out at the end of a street,  
One house had no porchlight and no dogs to greet.  
Its lock was for babies – 2 minutes, and in;  
Kid One looked around with a sly Winchy grin.  
These people had _two_ trees! One was not too big  
For him to unplug and drag back to the rig.  
And presents! A pile, a mountain of bliss;  
A couple for Kid Two they never would miss,  
And maybe a small one for _him_. And from there,  
The fridge for the food...

...Someone stood on the stair.

Kid One's heart was thundering. What could he do?  
But 'twas only a little girl, no more than two.  
She stared at the Winch and said, "Santy Claus, why?  
Why are you taking our Christmas tree? Why?"  
"It's broken, I'm fixing it," Winchy Claus lied.  
"Some presents are bad, too – those two on the side."  
She gave them to him. Kid One patted her head,  
And gave her a beer and sent her to bed.  
He'd opened the fridge when "LOOK, BILLY, HE'S REAL!  
IT'S SANTA DOWNSTAIRS!" Oh crap. Time to peel.  
One ran out the door, with Two's presents in tow,  
And roared down the street in a flurry of snow. 

***

...It was quarter to six, still dark and unpleasant,  
When Kid One had finished with tree and with present.  
That shabby motel room looked festive and glad,  
Like homes in a special, or holiday ad.  
He woke up his brother, and once more he lied  
("It's Dad who did all this! I woke you, I tried!")  
Two opened his presents: A wand and a doll –  
The little girl's toys. He'd failed after all.  
One told him the truth, and Two only said,  
"You're better than Dad. You should have this instead."  
One opened the package. An ugly old charm  
To wear round his neck and protect him from harm.

...And what happened next? Well, in Kansas they say  
That those two brother's hearts grew together that day.  
With Dad or without him, they'd take up the fight  
And face all the monsters that lurk in the night,  
And do it together, they would. After all,  
A family's a family, no matter how small.


End file.
